Adam’s steps

Came to believe. What do I think I believe? Certainly not that a power greater than myself will do anything. Maybe a power lesser than myself will do something. They want me to believe something that isn’t already apparent. They want to expand my mind. I walk around, all day, with my preconceived ideas about life and the world. I’ve been doing that for umpteen years now. Now they say I should move past that, move to a reality that I have hitherto not considered. They want me to “come to believe”. Come to believe. So this step is a belief step. A mental step. What about the others?

(I have reduced the 12 steps to 6: two, four, eight, nine, ten and twelve. So two is one, four is two, eight is three, nine is four, ten is five, and twelve is six.)

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

The original 12 steps rely heavily on their higher power. Omitting that emphasis changes them drastically of course. They think it’s their strength. I almost keep falling for it. It’s easy. It’s mesmerizing. It’s hypnotizing.

Nevertheless, I’d like to use his 12 steps to as much of a degree as I can.

Making a moral inventory could imply harsh judgement. But maybe it really just means not looking at everything at face value. Is it possible that something lies beneath the surface? Can’t I admit that we aren’t just the sum of our parts? I think that’s at the heart of the moral inventory. A moral inventory. Being moral means doing good. Doing right. Doing what’s right. This is the step I was looking for. This is the one that I felt I had lost when I left the 12 step philosophy. The one where I make myself a good person. Not just a person. But a person with morals.

I’m getting rid of the higher power, and I’m getting rid of the addiction. I’m keeping the positive behaviors and mindset.

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. Why do I think I’m above this? Why do I think I’ve never harmed anyone? Why do I think I don’t continue to harm people? It actually goes quite beautifully after my step 2. Even in the original 12 steps they connect step 4 and step 8. I may not be making that list in the process of my step 2. But I’m happy to do it in my step 3. If I can go on the theory that there are moral choices to be made, it naturally follows that there’s a right and wrong in how I’ve been treating people. I’d rather treat people right. Not doing so is certainly not all it’s cracked up to be.

In the next step, you make sure your amended behavior does more good than harm. “... except when to do so would injure them or others”. I hate to say it, but our main goal is supposed to be not being an asshole. I joked that it’s really Assholes Anonymous instead of Alcoholics Anonymous. Even the original steps don’t concern themselves much with the drinking. I have to say, I liked being less of an asshole. That’s why I’m still bothering with this. I know I shouldn’t give up on the health aspects of this. I do hope that somehow they will come alongside the personality adjustment. I guess I’d like to have a spiritual awakening. But it’s elusive. It’s evasive. It’s slippery. Remember when I was open and benevolent and glad to that family in the airport? That was something. I should be so lucky to be able to repeat that. I’d be glad to rid myself of the curmudgeon. I think the curmudgeon is largely the one who so intensely needs the addictive behaviors. If I was genuinely sweet and pleasant, spreading a sense of joy to the world, wouldn’t my desperate, incessant craving go into the background? It used to seem like a great length to do a personality overhaul, just for the purpose of reducing a craving and habit. Now I don’t feel that way so much. And also there is the wonderful side effect of spreading that joy. Which ends up translating to less curmudgeonly behavior. I’m impressed that religious zealots can use that belief to this same end. I’m duly impressed.

So have I covered the rest of the steps? In my step 5 it actually uses the word “wrong”, as in right or wrong. So I have to be on the lookout for when I am in the wrong. I know someone who doesn’t seem to do that. Someone who is fairly cocksure. Right and wrong. Big concept. Big.

The final step assures us that we will in fact have a turnaround. An awakening. I don’t know about carrying this message to anyone. But I’m happy to be reminded to continue to practice these principles. Maybe if I get good at these principles, I can share them with others. I’ll probably tell Jennifer, if no one else. I tend to keep my circle very small. That seems to be another side effect of being less of an asshole. My willingness to step outside my small world grows. I just hope I can still do it, not having the imaginary friend standing beside me. It’s a cold, lonely world without that friend. Now I can see that. You really do need other people. You can’t turn them away, unless loneliness is your goal.