Unknowingly

I guess I don't watch, or haven't watched, movies a whole lot in recent years. So I forgot the impact they can have on me. Good actors, good casting, compelling story, evocative music, good visuals.

Why is it I have come to this place? It is logical. I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. Just the way I have gotten here will be the way I'll get out. Every day I write the book.

Max's eyes. He is my gold. Pure, deep, shimmering. Inquisitive. What can I expect? All I can do is ride the waves. I shouldn't be surprised. I am lucky. Lucky to wake up in the morning. Lucky to get out of bed. Like when I had my NDE.

I thought I would be able to write my own thoughts here, but Meet Joe Black is muddying them up.

I can't believe Max is here. That Max exists. He is irreplaceable. He is contemplative, and joyful. He is saying things that only he truly understands. Is that true for anyone? Now Cody has arrived from playing outside. Cody has always been unique. Challenging. In both active and passive senses of the word. Cody is a bright ray of light, like sunlight shining in your eyes. Exploding with energy. That must be how he has been practicing so lengthily. Energy, energy, energy. It's interesting to track my own energy. Looking for things that give me more, and things that drain it.

Now I'm talking to one of these new people. Funny life I lead. What is life? Time plus love. I don't know if cool blooded animals feel the warmth of love and connection. I think they might.

I cannot give up. My body and mind tell me to do just that. They have been trained oddly. Trained to be dragged down, through the muck. Not uplifted. Or is it DNA? Am I fighting my own genetic tendencies? I will persevere. As my PT said, it's not going to be an easy hill to climb. It could take months, or years, or even never.

I know why it's hard to write. I don't want to change. Or I want to change very gradually. I am in the nether region between liking myself the way I am and needing to make changes. It's a strange place. I thought that writing about it would help. But if I really write, I'll be compelled to change.