Worrier

What if I wrote to God, here on this blog site? It seems a bit more electronic than I would normally think is appropriate or effective. I guess I'll hang up on my phone meeting. Everything is electronic these days.

I've been writing in a journaling book lately. Sorry I'm not doling out my pearls of wisdom here. I just remembered an appointment at 11:45. There are a lot of things that I should be keeping in my brain, keep on hand.

God, how are you? I didn't talk to you yesterday. Not like this. I communed with you last night during my walk. You have created another beautiful day today, it looks like. I can see your sun peeking out on the horizon. I wonder how Shana's efforts are going. Do I associate sunrises with the festival? Or cooler weather?

Today is going to be one of your miracle days again, God, isn't it. I can write that because I live a life of peace and privilege. Maybe someone living in war and squalor would have to look at faith based things very differently. I praise God because I am given the strength to not overeat. Someone in different circumstances would praise Him because they found something to eat. People find reasons to keep the faith. People are hard wired that way, I suppose. Are we humans the only ones? Is that our evolutionary fate?

Lord, I implore you today to help Khwan with her pregnancy complications. I would like You to watch over her. I pray to you that you can keep a watchful eye on her condition. You create many miracles. Suffering is not one of them, really. See, I am coming to God with a problem. But it feels different. I would rather praise Him. I would rather say, "Thank You, Lord above, for providing Khwan with such an uneventful and joyous pregnancy." Why do I have to implore Him to ease her suffering? It doesn't feel right.

Let's see. My AA prayers tell me to ask God to help me be an instrument of His will. They ask me to give up my self will, and focus on HIs will. I am supposed to look at my problems, or others' problems, and consider how God would solve them through me. How I can be a conduit of His will. I am not supposed to be afraid. God can remove that fear, and replace it with practical assistance. I am supposed to be looking for ways in which my character flaws are causing difficulties in my life, and then relinquish them to my God. I am supposed to be having a personal relationship with my God. I can come to Him directly, not through a middle man. But I'm not supposed to just ask for things. If I have a problem, I look for a solution with His moral support, so to speak. I leave myself open to any potential miracles that He may deign to bestow upon me. I am supposed to be relying on His care. But that is different than asking for things, pleading for things. I am opening up the doorway. I am becoming willing to let Him work his way, worm his way, into my day to day existence. Being too self reliant is a problem. I am supposed to Let go, Let God. I'm supposed to be doing less, and God does more. Doing is the wrong verb. Willing is better. Not imposing my will on situations. It's like I ought to do the things that are God's will, instead of doing what is Adam's will. I am supposed to be praying for the ability to perceive God's will better. God helps me (and others) know right from wrong. That's a big thing. God's is a will that can delineate that. With absolute certainty, so it appears. My percentages are a heck of a lot lower. Even when I do get it right, I then mess it up with pridefulness. That spoils the next opportunity to get it right. Haha. I can ask for the right thought, the right action, the right next step. Sometimes they're baby steps, sometimes they're big decisions. But I'm supposed to be consulting with the Great, all powerful Void.

So how does this help Khwan? I guess I leave up to God the things that I can't control. And I leave up to Khwan the things I can't help her with, also. I have to stop worrying. I have to trust in the will of the Universe. I am not running the show.